Jura protiv nepravilnih glagola
mladiluk | 28 Septembar, 2012 10:31
Išli smo u prvi razred, on u elektrotehničku školu, a ja u gimnaziju. I, kako je Jurin stari susjed Balog rekao, Jura je tek obrucao, ali je više vremena posvećivao frizuri nego školi. A poznavali smo se iz osnovne škole. Kosa mu je bila žuta i kratka, a mazao ju je nečim tako da izgleda kao da je premazana vodom u kojoj je otopio mnogo šećera. Zbog tog hobija se budio ranije, a često je i kasnio na nastavu jer nije stigao namazati kosu, a nije htio da se sramoti za vrijeme velikog odmora, dok ispred škole značajno puši ispuštajući guste dimove kroz usta. Svakog drugog utorka Jura je išao kod svog frizera, koji se tada zvao brico, čak mu je i nadimak bio Brico, da kosu podesi na standardnu dužinu. Pazio je na to.
Imao je problema s engleskim. Engleski mu nije išao. Pored toga, Jura je imao problema i s matematikom, kemijom i fizikom, a ni lektiru nije čitao. Čak ni “Malog princa” u osnovnoj školi, kojeg je mogao pročitati za vrijeme jedne nogometne utakmice jer Juru ni utakmice, a ni nogomet nisu zanimali. Jura za sve te stvari nije imao vremena, bio je opsjednut motorima, automobilima, muzikom i curama. Jednog sunčanog utorka me pozvao da dođem kod njega da mu objasnim nepravilne glagole.
- Nema se tu šta objašnjavat, Jura. Nauči ih napamet, za dvojku će te samo to pitat, čak ne trebaš znat kad koji koristiš, pa ne moraš naučit u kom vremenu ide koji. A to da naučiš napamet, tu ti ja ne mogu ništa objasnit. Uzmi spisak glagola i zapamti ih, kao pjesmicu.
- Ma daj, ne seri, dođi popodne, šta ćeš drugo radit…
- Aj dobro, doću, ali nisam ti ja neki stručnjak za engleski, ima boljih od mene.
- Ma to su sve pederi, štreberi, jebeš njih. Dođi da mi to pokažeš i da malo zajebavamo, imam i neke nove porniće iz Njemačke pa ću ti dat da gledaš. A i da vidiš kak sam sredio motor.
Došao sam kod njega jer je iznistirao, da ne misli da mu ne želim pomoći. Ušao sam u lijepu veliku kuću, popeo se uz stepenice i našao se u Jurinoj sobi. Zidovi se bili prekriveni posterima. Glumice i pjevačice su bili u većini, a na plafonu je bila velika Samantha Fox. Kad sam bolje pogledao vidio sam je na svakom zidu. Na vratima je stajao poster Sabrine iz časpopisa Bravo. Imao ih je na posterima, ali nisam primijetio da ima njihove ploče ili kasete. Uzeo sam udžbenik iz engleskog, otvorio stranu sa spiskom nepravilnih glagola.
- S njemačkim nemam problema, ali me ovaj engleski jebe – rekao mi je uvjerljivo kao da se ne poznajemo.
- To ti je isto, imaš i tamo nepravilne glagole.
- Jesu isti u njemačkom i engleskom ti nepravilni?
- Pa nisu baš…
- Šta se, koji kurac, nisu sastali u Belgiji ili Nizozemskoj, na primjer, i dogovorili se tamo ti engleski i njemački profesori, pa da budu isti. Lakše bi bilo i nama i njima da znamo koji je nepravilan, a koji je pravilan, da su isti.
- Pitaćemo to kad budemo imali povijest. Jura, sad pamti šta ti ja kažem. Kupiti se kaže buy, bought, bought. ‘Ajde sad ti reci kako se kaže kupiti.
On je otvarao kutiju cigareta dok sam mu to govorio, a onda me pogledao raširenim očima. Nije ništa progovorio, razmišljao je, a onda je rekao sporo kao da ću mi zalijepiti šamarčinu ako pogriješi.
- Buy…, bought…, aaaa…., hmmmmm…, buy, bought…
- Bought – rekao sam kad sam izgubio strpljenje.
- Da, buy, bought, bought, sad sam se sjetio – rekao je Jura, pa polizao cigaretu, stavio je u usta i zapalio.
- Ajde sad ovaj, taj je lagan. Pustiti – let, let, let.
- Pustiti – let, let, let – ponovio je Jura brzo ispuštajući dim iz usta, pa sam mu “objasnio” i glagol rezati, a Jura je u pola sekunde ponovio cut, cut, cut.
- Sad ću ti objasniti glagol sjediti. Sjediti se kaže sit, sat, sat. Ajd sad ti.
- Sjediti – sit, sat, sat.
- Trošiti – spend, spent, spent.
- Spend, spent, spent.
- Kladiti se – bet, bet, bet. Kako se kaže kladiti se?
- Bet, bet, bet.
- Smrzavati se – freeze, froze, frozen. Sad ti to reci.
- Smrzavati se – freeze, froze, frozen, ali neće me to sad pitat, koji ti je kurac, proljeće je, ide ljeto…
- Dobro, dobro, odlično! Ajde dalje. Pustiti, Jura?
- Šta da pustim?
- Ma ne da pustiš, kako se kaže?
- A-ha, to me pitaš. Misliš na engleskom? Aaaaaa… let… – rekao je nesigurno i raširio oči i malo spustio glavu kao da traži da potvrdim pa sam klimnuo glavom. – …let…, let? - konačno je rekao i treću riječ i ja sam mu pružio ruku, a Jura je sijao od sreće pa smo se i rukovali.
- Rezbariti?
- Kakva ti je to riječ? Pa nemamo sutra tehnički nego engleski. To ni na hrvatskom ne koristim, daj neku normalnu.
- Sjediti!
- Sit… prvi je sit…, aaaaaa… sit, samo da se sjetim… sit, pa onda, pa onda…
- Sit, sat…
- Da, sit, sat… sit, sat… samo malo… – izgovorio je i zagledao se u Samanthu Fox na posteru, kao da će mu ona šapnuti.
- Sit, sat… – zapinjali smo nakon drugog zajedno. – Sit, sat, sat, Jura, zapamti ovaj, važan je i čest.
- E pa da, znao sam, sad sam se sjetio, sad sam se sjetio. Sit, sat, sat. Može dalje, sad sam se zalaufao.
- Trošiti?
- Spend, spend, spend.
- Ne, spend, spent, spent, druga dva su sa T.
- Isti kurac i D i T, ko da je to neka razlika, to se ni ne čuje. Daj dalje, taj znam, daj neki teži.
- A nije isto, to je jednačenje suglasnika po zvučnosti, hehe. Rezati?
- Kakvo jednačenje, pa to je iz hrvatskog! Nemoj me jebat da to ima i kod Engleza. Rezati se kaže… Buy, bought… cut?
- Ma ne, jebote, isto je. Cut, cut, cut. Donijeti je bring, brought, brought.
Jura se pljesnuo dlanom po čelu, rekao “za malo”, pa je povukao kratak dim, ispustio ga na desnu stranu usta i sigurno izgovorio:
- Donijeti – bring, brought, brought.
- Rezati?
- Cut, cut, cut.
- Pustiti.
- Let, let, let – nabadao je slučajno.
- Donijeti – bio sam brz, a nismo ni stigli do toga.
- Buy, bought, bought.
- Idi u pizdu, Jura – nasmijao sam se i bacio knjigu na krevet vidjevši da nema koristi od instrukcija.
- Šta je, ne valja ovaj, a?
- Aj ti upiši češki, tamo možda nema nepravilnih glagola.
- Ma nemoj me jebat, kakav češki, pa to ionako znam.
- Onda reci profesorici da ne znaš nepravilne glagole i da ih nećeš korisiti, da ti to ne ide.
- Pa da, uvijek mogu zamijenit tu riječ nekom drugom. Kak se ono zovu te riječi što smo učili iz hrvatskog, sino… Kak ono?
- Sinonimi.
- E da, to sam mislio. A i taj engleski, kao da ću ić u Englesku živjet pa sad trebam sve znat. Ionak svi filmovi imaju prijevod. Je l’ ima još ili je to sve? – pitao me misleći da smo blizu kraja.
- Ima još. Tek smo pola naučili, ima još skoro deset – rekao sam da ga ohrabrim.
- Ajmo sad napravit pauzu, ovo znam, sve štima. Jesi za pivo? Ajd da ti pokažem kako sam sredio makinu. Zvijer je sad! – rekao je, i onda smo krenuli prema garaži, a Jura je, s pivom u ruci, nastavio o školi:
- Rezbariti, rezbariti, haha, koja riječ. E, je l’ se sjećaš kad smo pilili ona sranje za tehnički u osnovnoj? Pa su meni pucale sve pilice, a onaj tražio da drkamo one šper-ploče kao da ćemo svi bit stolari. A onaj nas je prc’o s tim sranjima kao da je taj tehnički najvažniji predmet na svijetu. Tehnički, ej, koji će nam kurac taj predmet, pa to ni onim mašinenšloserima iz strojarske ne treba…
Kući sam otišao poslije dva i po sata “objašnjavanja”, još mu je ostalo da zapamti stotinjak riječi upisanih u maleni rječnik i da pročita i prevede tri lekcije srednje dužine. Mnoge su se riječi ponavljale, primijetio sam, na svakoj strani je imao nekoliko duplikata. Naša je profesorica takve trikove lako uočavala i davala jedinice zbog toga, ali su se kod nje jedinice lako ispravljale pred kraj godine, čak i na trojku. Narednog dana Jura se nije pojavio u školi zbog ispitivanja. Rekao je da se prehladio i od mlade susjede koja je bila doktorica i koju je Jurin devet godina stariji brat seksao dobio ispričnicu.
Petnaest godina kasnije čuo sam da je Jura završio za profesora tjelesnog, otvorio kafić i oženio se. Ima jako lijepu ženu, vidio sam je. Ima i auto, novi, crne boje, ne znam da li ima više kubika ili konja. Ona radi u školi, predaje engleski. Jura ponekad radi kao konobar u svom kafiću, a ponekad kao profesor u teretani. Objašnjava bilderima kako se diže teret i kako se pravi kolut naprijed. Ne znam da li još pamti nepravilne glagole.
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